Burnout on a deep level, with parenting

[Heidi in AK]

lovetobehome, mercy, Tansy, Tina, 8arrows, netpea, and many others,

Please know that by the mere fact that you are struggling as you are, that you are in the right place at the right time. This doesn't make the struggle any easier, but I see the enemy trying to steal, kill, and destroy you because you belong to Christ and are endeavoring to raise your children to love Christ with their whole heart. We see this same struggle in our own home. Just today, a friend, as she was walking by a family picture of ours in which I was smiling, said she didn't think she could recognize me if she saw that picture and didn't know it was me because I was smiling in the picture.

I think it's easy on a non-spiritual level to feel worn out from the tasks and even the overarching goal of motherhood. Add to that the high calling of teaching our kids to love the Lord and see life from a Christian worldview, and you are on the battleground. The enemy doesn't want to see you succeed, and even though he's already lost, he's still lying to himself, thinking he could win still, even though Christ has already won the battle.

Of course, I don't want to linger or focus on the enemy. Christ is the King of kings and Lord of lords, and has defeated every foe. He is your constant companion, your friend, and is pleased with you, even when you feel like you are not adequate. Please listen to the love of the Lord.

I can't solve your daily problems because when I read it I see things I can relate to, and I don't have answers for my own life. Maybe, though, day by day, as you remember that Christ has won your battle, you can use the suggestions posted by Tansy. Maybe now is not a time to fight battles that are not important, but to only focus on the battles that are critical from an eternal perspective. I think God has so much more grace on us as parents with our kids, so I think it's possible to let some things go right now, in favor of the eternal issues.

I don't know if that's helpful at all, but I feel for you and wish I could give you a HUG. Love, love, love, and HUGS! I'm praying Ephesians 6:10-18 over all of us!

[momofgreatones]

Oh yes, I've been there and am regularly there. There are seasons in my life when I have to pray for Christ's love to fill my heart toward a certain child (or two or three). He does and will give you that LOVE for your child, when you need it. Your children are His, after all.

I second the suggestion of taking time off from everything else to focus on behavior and character. Also relationship-building activities between siblings. We will play obedience games and do lots of role-playing to practice proper responses and treatment of each other. We focus on retraining with good habits. We read character-building stories and study the scriptures and character qualities, and write about them. I'll have the kids, several times each day, do praise reports for each other (esp the ones who aren't getting along). I'll have them do one-on-one get to know you games with each other. All of this is a LOTof work, and tedious, but sometimes it just becomes necessary. Also, this usually indicates the kids need more meaningful chores and work around the house, perhaps a service project for someone.

Also, I am a nurse (in a past life), and an herbalist by hobby. I know when I get feeling this way, I always benefit from taking an herbal combination and supplements that support the glandular system. In our modern society, our glands get depleted, particularly the adrenal glands. Exhausted adrenal glands, exacerbated by stress, make you feel horrible physically and emotionally. So I recommend going to a health food store and looking for a good herbal combination for the glandular system and probably a good vitamin supplement. Sorry if this is way out there but the state of our physical bodies affects our emtional and spiritual selves as well. Feed yourself good food. Also, I don't advocate rushing to antidepressant medications, but they have their place and could be considered in a serious situation that isn't responding to other treatments. They can be very helpful for a short-term therapy to get on an upward spiral.

I will be praying for you in this difficult time in your life! Remember the big picture. Your efforts will bear fruit, and you will be blessed!

[Mercy]

Heidi,
Thank you so much for this wonderful word. I know there were other names, but I truly felt like you were speaking right at me! Thank you!! I think I really needed to hear that...I pray the other ladies feel the same when they read this! It truly made my heart leap in a way that only it does when my Savior is speaking to me.
Thank you again,
Mercy

[Heidi in AK]

Well, praise God for that, Mercy. I just think that, lovetobehome, in addition to sharing your heart with us and asking us to share your burden, has touched a chord with many here, myself included. The JOY of the Lord is our strength, and I just think that the joy gets taken so easily.

Gosh, I just relate with you, lovetobehome, and Mercy too. Thanks be to God, not only for this great curriculum which takes one of the stresses out of homeschooling, but for this board, on which we can encourage each other. I think if I had to develop my own curriculum I'd have quit a long time ago (which isn't long for me, if you get my drift.)

[Melena]

Dear Sisters,
I attended most of the workshops of Reb and Beverly Bradley at our state homeschool convention in May. I wept in all of them. However, the truths and love shared in these meetings were life changing and liberating. Visit their website http://www.familyministries.com . If you could purchase only one item, buy "You Can't Give What You Don't Have: Receiving and Giving the Love of God to Your Family" CD Seminar. Also, the booklet Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling is a definite eye-opener. Grace be to you, and peace. In Jesus' Name, Marie

[Mercy]

Fully agreeing Heidi,
HOD has lifted my burden so much! I know everything is covered - full academics and a love for my Lord all built in. I am so very thankful that a section of my life as a hsing mom (one of the bigger sections!) is decided, planned and taken care of. "Taking time off school to take care of character, etc." Seems unnecessary to me anymore. Believe me I have taken enough time off to focus on these things! HOD helps me order my life enough that I can concentrate on these other issues better.

[mater est laetus]

I'm in a different stage of life (4 children 5 and under) but I have been experiencing similar feelings. For me it's on and off but particularly bad in recent months. My burned out feelings have been mixed at times with a much darker depression that I will certainly medicate for if it continues to come and starts to abide. My life is currently in survival mode. I've drawn myself in, minimizing my output and expectations so I can focus on my core goals (one of which being a God honoring relationship with the children the Lord has given me and liking them). I've opened up to some people closest to me so that they understand why I'm not calling or not up for making plans and so they can pray for me. I use to have regular meetings with a friend/pastor's wife which haven't been happening due to her husband's work load of late so I am working out how to re-establish regular meetings again with someone, if not with her. A chronic people-pleaser, at this point I'm not able to care as much any more which isn't a loss - it was a sinful concern anyway and I my humbled position has me inclined to give more grace to others rather than resent the perceived pressure. I have anxiety attacks over allowing others to help, needing to ask for help, because I feel like I need to be able to do it all and so this admitting limits, vulnerability, accepting/asking for help and lowering my expectations is monumental. Changes I've made range from going disposable instead of cloth for many things (just to lower my laundry load for a season) to weaning the baby earlier than intended and deciding between us to put off the idea of more children at least until much change has taken place. I've been pregnant or nursing for over 5 years and I have no idea how the hormones affect me because I have no experience with "normal". Currently I'm working on establishing spiritual disciplines, adjusting diet, exercise, sleep, etc. and waiting to see how things go over the next year as my baby grows. If I didn't get the bathrooms cleaned but I did spend time in prayer and Bible study and playing with my children today, I'm going to work to feel content with that (and thankfully my husband is gracious and shares these priorities). The choice of HOD has been part of this so I can have something to hold my hand and help me do with my children that I just can't do myself (at this time, at the very least). The atmosphere and support from the ladies on this forum were a strong draw to me as well. I asked DH a while back if the publisher's forum was reason enough to choose their curriculum.

I've been encouraged by reading other's experience - in knowing that I'm not an isolated case and just simply a failure. I've frequently felt like I just wasn't cut out for this, I'm a horrible mother and made a mistake in having children. My husband helps me work through these thoughts Biblically. As I'm praying through my own spiritual battle, I will be praying for you ladies as well.

[netpea]

mater est laetus,
You are NOT a failure! You are a daughter of the King!

[flydena]

Wow! It's been really good to read these posts. I have been challenged and encouraged through them, as I, too, have struggled with feeling many of the same things that have already been mentioned.

I so agree with the posts about satan stealing our joy. He also steals our thoughts and turns them to thoughts about ourselves that are not true, thoughts about our husband and our children that are also NOT true. He does this so often, that we truly have to remember to RENEW OUR MINDS IN CHRIST moment by moment.

A book that I've recently been reading has really helped me alot. It is called: "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself....Self Talk, Soul Talk" by Jennifer Rothschild. I just checked it out at the library, but now I'm thinking I may need to purchase it. It talks so much about the many thoughts we think each day...for instance, how we say things to ourselves that we may not ever say outloud...like..."I'm such an idiot! Why do I do such stupid things?" etc. And, then, it helps you retrain your mind on the TRUTH which comes from Scripture. When I do this, my attitude is so much better!

I still have struggles with character and heart issues with my children, but I know in the end, that the Lord will work all of those out, especially when He knows that my heart's desire is to be obedient to Him and to lead them by following Him.

Anyway, thanks for this post. I so appreciate many of the comments, book recommendations, and blog posts. I don't think we can ever stop learning about how to better train our children in the ways of the Lord.

In Christ,
Dena

[lisaha1]

What a great post and comments! Such love for the Lord and great, Biblically based advice! It's good to be on this forum, lifting one anouther up and pointing eachother to the One who has blessed us with this great responcabilty and who gives us the strength to do what He call us to do to help raise Children for Christ! I have gotten burnt out and frustrated too, I believe other then my Bible study leader, this is the first time I have read encouragement focused on Jesus and His strength! Awesome women!
Lisaha
Abby 10 praying on cirriculum
Joshua 8 praying on cirriculum
James 5 LHFHG this fall
Toby 4
Levi 2
Emma Grace 7 months

[my3sons]

Hugs and prayers first! I had the privilege of meeting you face to face at a convention, Meg, and I know what a dear, sweet person you are. You are not a failure, in any way. There has been such amazing love and understanding poured out in this thread already. I think there is much that has been said here already to ponder. But, I think more reflection is good always, at least it is for me, so I want to ask you about this part of your post...

...I have built my identity around being a homeschooling mom for the past 11 years. But unless I can somehow dig myself out of this pit, I don't think homeschooling is a good idea, because it feels like drudgery and that can't be good for anyone, can it?

This stood out to me. I think this is what can really be depressing. It is the building of our complete identity around homeschooling, and we have probably all done this, or are doing it. When I have done this within periods of my life, I have been depressed. I have felt like I am sacrificing everything to homeschool. That feeling gets old. It is the opposite of feeling like it is a blessing to homeschool. Homeschooling should not be all we do all day every day, as it then becomes our identity. I have been there. It's not a positive. So, I want to ask you some questions to think about here.
When you think about putting your dc in school...
... what exactly makes that appealing? What makes you really look forward to being able to do that? What would you do with your day that is an exciting thought to you? How would you set up your day that makes this enticing?

When you think about homeschooling your dc...
... what exactly weighs you down about this? The attitudes? The time commitment? The feeling like you are stuck somehow? The prevention of you doing something you want to do?

I think the answers here will help. When I am depressed, I am often contemplating 2 extremes. You are doing that here - continuing feeling trapped like homeschooling is your only identity, and putting your dc in private school full time. There are different options between these two extremes, especially if you have some funds available. If you feel able, can you share some of your thoughts about these questions? I think that may help us give some practical advice. The best advice is to seek the Lord, to meet with him daily no matter what. Prayer, prayer, prayer, and I will do the same, but I will also check back if you feel led to share any more here. Hugs to you!!!

Love in Christ,
Julie

[Jessi4]

Hi there...
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the honesty of others and am so blessed to be a part of this board with so many lovely ladies.
Many women have given so many great suggestions, thoughts and encouragement. I just wanted to mention one thing that one of the other ladies already mentioned briefly. That is hormones. I realize you can't blame everything on them, but I do know from experience that I have struggled immensely at times, I believe, because of major hormone imbalance. I am only 31, have 4 beautiful kiddos, but also have a messed up endocrine system at the moment. Hypothyroidism, low estrogen, low progesterone, low/normal testosterone, low DHEAs (anti-aging hormones. Yay.) I have had saliva testing done twice (which is said to be far more accurate), and both tests pretty much told me the same things. I remember feeling like I couldn't stand being here at home. Every noise my children made would drive me nuts....like I needed total quiet. I felt all of this rage...like I wanted to throw dishes...and didn't even know why. I remember feeling like I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. I felt like I needed to just go out and RUN. Now honestly...I don't feel those feelings so strongly lately. When I was going through the worst of these emotions I knew I needed help and in addition to being with the Lord, I called on my Spiritual mom and friend at my church. She got together with me and although she couldn't fix my hormones she helped me spiritually and even gave me tips to help the physical stuff I was dealing with. I remember just feeling better talking to someone. But I do remember that I would go out on my own...shopping or something...thinking I would "rejuvenate" and as soon as I'd turn down our road heading home...I'd feel pure DREAD. I didn't know how to change it. I have tried to take better care of myself....but still don't sleep. I think that's a big one for me. Certain dietary changes help. Time with friends is huge for me...although I also really need my quiet time....alone. And lately I've been able to have more of a musical outlet...and I feel my whole mood change. It really helps me, I think. It is one of my hobbies...but also PART of God's calling for me, I believe. So, to be able to have that to look forward to on the side really lifts my mood to some degree. Being a wife and a mother is nothing to look down upon and I believe it is God's major calling on my life, but I think the fact that I've been able to use some of the other gifts and talents he's given me has been very "uplifting" for me. So whether there's hormonal imbalance, needed girly-nights, or something else, maybe it just has to do with overall balance? (But God being in highest priority, of course) Above all...God is bigger than any "imbalance" we might be facing. I believe He is faithful to meet you where you're at and give you all that you need. And do know...as I'm sure you must by now...that you are not alone. Praying for you!

[Jessi4]

ME again!

I just noticed there were more than I originally thought who mentioned hormones/glandular system.
I forgot to mention that my adrenal glands are slightly stressed also (according to the tests). All of this CAN really affect how you feel physically and spiritually even.
I wouldn't focus ALL the attention in this area, but it could be a big missing piece that needs to get put in place for you to feel better.
And I do agree as one woman mentioned...a more natural approach might be better to start with if you do find that your hormones are not at optimal levels. (diet, herbs, bio-identical progesterone cream, etc.) But God will show you what will be best for YOU!
Blessings!

[Carrie]

Meg,

This has been a deep heartfelt thread with wise Christ-filled counsel, and I pray that many have been blessed by the dialogue. I know the Lord calls upon us to encourage and uplift one another, and my husband and I are humbled by those who share from their hearts with one another on this board. Meg, I want you to know that I will pray for you. I have a prayer list of names that I pray for daily, and I will add you to my list. The Lord often uses these times when we feel at a loss to truly draw us even closer to Him. It is the moment in which we realize that we can no longer do it all on our own that He is most glorified! I know that the Lord will do a work in your life as you lean on Him just one day at a time. I've stopped looking ahead so far in my own life, and just trust Him to give me each day what is needed for that day. I know He can do the same for you!

I am so glad that the HOD Board has been here as you seek to work through these feelings and emotions. Now I feel that I need to close out the thread as we're heading into topics which are outside of the realm of this board. I know that some of the ladies will continue to be in touch with you through private messages, and I pray they will continue to encourage you in this way.

Blessings,
Carrie