OT-need advice on dd's attitude

[inHistiming]

I've been here before.....

After much hand-wringing and deliberation over curriculum this year (specifically for dd) we finally decided to combine her with her younger brother in Beyond...and add a few things for science, history, and writing to 'up' the level for her. The reason we decided this is because though she is completely capable of working independently in most things, she has a tendency to be lazy...deciding she just won't do an assignment or not asking for help if she doesn't understand something, etc. It carries over into the rest of her life a well...chores. I so want to be able to teach her what is necessary, then let her move on and do the other things independently, but she keeps proving by her actions and her attitude that it is just going to be a struggle for us if we do so. What I am having a hard time with is (1) my resentment of the situation (2) her attitude now that we are being "unfair'" because she has to sit at the table and do school work much longer than her brothers. Her dad and I have each explained to her together that it is because of her actions that she is in the situation she is in. I feel 'trapped' in a way. We decided, in order to eliminate the possibility of getting away with not doing assignments, that I would go over math with her, she will do it, then I will check it...before she can move on to the next thing. We are treating each subject this way, so it does make for a very long school day....for me as well. I am unable to spend the time I would like to with my toddler or my ds 7....and since my oldest is working independently I don't do much with him anyway, since Dad is overseeing that. I'm unable to do my own chores as needed.....and I am beginning to panic about how things will be once the baby arrives. I am resentful that I have been forced by a 10 yo to do things this way. I am trying to let go of that, but it's difficult. I am searching and praying, but I am really at a loss about what else to do....she's missing out on the opportunity to learn the way she could be because her attitude is terrible. She just wants to "get done quick" is what she says....there seems to be no concern about getting it done right. I'm just wondering about others who have been down this road...what sorts of things did you do? We (my husband and I) are working on getting our own spiritual lives in order...we are both Christians and have been for quite some time, but we haven't been leading in the best way; more what we're NOT doing if that makes sense. We need to lead better by example and be more God-minded....but while we're working on that I am looking for ideas I can apply to the situation....any help is appreciated. Thanks so much.

[GinainMD]

I don't have any words of wisdom but I am praying for you and your family.

[Carrie]

inHistiming,

I'm so sorry as I know it can be very challenging to work with a kiddo who has a tough time completing things. My own sweet second son is distractible too and takes much of my time to watch over and always has. Transitions of any kind in the day are tough for him, and he is my supreme time waster. One thing I'm wondering is whether some of your sweet daughter's resentment may come from perceiving that she is being taught "down to" by being taught with a younger sibling and repeating a program she did when she was much younger, rather than moving forward? I'm thinking that this child did Bigger Hearts last year and Beyond the year before? If I'm wrong please correct me! I am not judging your decision in any way, just simply trying to see it from the child's perspective.

If so, then I'd be inclined to move her on to Preparing Hearts, even at half-speed. In that way her material will be interesting and fresh for her, which I know makes a big difference to my kiddos, and also is appropriate for her maturity and her age. This would have the added benefit of ensuring that she has time with just you in a format where she is the only student interacting with you at that time. I say this out of all love, as we had to have my second son in his own program so that I could spend time just with him, giving him the focused attention he needs (without it all being related to me nagging or following up with him to make sure he is working diligently).

Every year, I take a good look at who needs me most for that year both academically and character training-wise. In your upcoming year, from what you've shared, I see this particular child as needing you the most (with the coming baby being a very close second). I would do whatever you have to do to structure your year around making the child in question be successful. If this means scaling back your youngers and your older student to half-speed in some areas, I would do so as needed to allow you to have the time to focus on partnering with this child one-on-one. While you will not fix her diligence in a life-long way in one year, you will form a closer bond with her, find out what she is capable of when she is all alone in a program, and spend time training her in needed skills.

Your take on the situation is much better than mine, so if I am way off-base I apologize. I just know that I can relate to what you're sharing and understand that your momma's heart is hurting. With my second son, we have found that we need to balance grace with work expectations. We want him to know that he isn't falling behind all of the time, and we actually must work at finding ways we can compliment him as we partner with him to do his work better. This is a daily goal that my husband and I often fail at, but we work toward a continual balance of grace on our part coupled with expectations in the areas that are most important that our son gets done each day. While the diligence is a constant battle here, this son of mine tests incredibly well and is very creative, capable of producing amazingly beautiful work. This takes time to produce and often doesn't fit neatly in a time slot! This is where the grace comes in!

The contrast between our oldest and second son is shocking! Yet, we know each have their giftings, very different from one another. When we have to be on a child all day, we can lose perspective on how this affects our child's heart, so my hubby and I find we need one another to stay accountable in being positive and encouraging. If our son falls behind in his day, we do whatever we can to help catch him up. That may mean doing his entire lesson of grammar orally, or sitting with him to do every math problem guiding and directing, or doing one of his chores, or helping him get out or put away his supplies, or quickly writing down his answers for him as he shares them in DITHR, or pointing out where an answer can be found, etc.. We don't do this all day, but may do any one or a multitude of these things on any given day to help him be successful and finish on time. I did this with kiddos in may classroom for years and have realized my children deserve the same help to be successful! It's a fine line to walk between expecting good work to be done on time and giving grace when it isn't! We walk that line in our home every day, some days more succesfully than others! Hopefully, something in here may help as you ponder. I truly appreciate your presence on the board and your gracious encouraging tone brightens so many people's day. I pray I may somehow give back a bit of that help to you.

Blessings,
Carrie

[Tansy]

InHistiming,
I can really feel for you. My eldest is in public school due to her RAD. And your dd sounds very much like a symptom we experience every day. What it comes down to with my dd is her desire to be in control of the situation due to deep down fear. My daughter is the type that if I say please sit down now. she will walk to the furthest chair in the room to delay sitting down. I'm gonna pm you a link to a adoptive parenting blog that exactly discusses handling this type of behavior. My dd1 would take 6 hours to complete her work in bigger all day at the table refusing to do work, doing it wrong on purpose. Holding on to my attention via negative behaviors. I get your resentment I know how you are feeling, I have been there and done that. some things I have found that worked.

One: I asses what level is she relating to me and the material. For my dd it is a RARE day that she acts her age. If she is acting emotionally immature I parent her at the age she is behaving if she (age 11) is demanding a treat like a 2 year old I pretend in my mind she is 2 and parent her that way. If she is acting 6 then like a 6 year old. some days she is just in a 4 year old place and the work is way above her head. I let it go. I just let it go. We get it done on a day she acting 8 and above.

Two: The consequences fit the crime: here is real life example from this summer. India child purposely broke her sisters ipod her sister was extremely upset. We then required India child to pay for the original cost. My India child began taking 4 hours to fold a single load of laundry poorly (a paid chore). So she doesn't get to do chores anymore to pay back the family budget. Instead she doesn't get a lemonade when we go out for dinner. I say I would buy that for you but instead we'll take that off your debt. I give her the money and then she has to put it in the Debt jar. problem solved with out anyone but her being effected, and I'm not fuming over her taking forever with her chores. You will have to think creatively to come up with creative consequentially effective discipline.

Three: We have Mommy dates I plan time in my schedule to just have fun for about 2 hours just her and I. Every 1-2 weeks. we go to Wendys, or the play ground. I "do" her nails. part of the issue is she wants attention all of my attention knowing she has a date with me reduces her need to negatively seek attention.

Since I have done this shift in my parenting style I'm much more relaxed around her and have time to get my stuff done and we have fun together again! Just because your kid isn't adopted doesn't mean the blog doesn't have good advice hopefully it means it will work faster!
Huggles!
Tansy

[inHistiming]

Well, first I'll refer you to this post:

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=7006

as it will help explain more about what we've been dealing with. I did get some advice on that too, and truly appreciate everyone's help. Another post:

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=7054

tells of our decision to combine them and why.

So, once you've read those, you'll see that we have been dealing with this behavior since before we decided to combine dd with her younger brother. I don't think she resents it...at least not as far as the materials. What she resents (I think) is the inability to finish quickly like her older brother does, but he's working independently this year with his Dad's oversight. He is able to get going immediately after chores and breakfast, where as she is having to wait for me because I have to do things for her baby sister first, etc. Her main thing/issue is that she wants to "get done quick" and it is evident in both her work and her attitude. I don't know that that would change just because her curriculum did, say if we did move her into Preparing... like I originally thought. I don't think that's an option now anyway, because dh is adamant that we stick with whatever we use this year, and since we've already picked what we're doing for the year I would be going against his wishes to change her now.

Here is a third post I made, asking for advice on how to beef up Beyond...for her....with my own additions or with the right side/extensions from Bigger...

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=7204

If you'd like to offer suggestions for that I would appreciate that too. I think this plan we have is going to be the easiest route for us, simply because of the impending arrival of the baby and our move in a couple of months. Plus, it gives me the immediate oversight of her work, and the ability to correct both her work and her attitude immediately as needed. I'm not completely satisfied, because I do want to be able to let her progress and hone those independence skills...but I just don't think it's going to happen this year. I was hoping dh would agree to move her to Preparing...in January if she can prove her trustworthiness and do her best on her work and her attitude over the next few months, but broaching that subject tends to irritate...he's adamant. So the earliest would be when we begin our new school year in July...

Thanks so much for your advice. I do plan to go back and read it more carefully to glean what I can. And I look forward to any more suggestions and words of wisdom you can offer. Thank you.

[inHistiming]

Thank you Tansy...I'll be looking for that pm.

[tnahid]

The book "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp is a very good place to start. He really explains how our training of our children is all about their heart attitude. The training of her character is much more important than academics right now, IMO. I understand, because I have a very strong willed 9 year old son. He is very challenging, but I am seeing a change in him...a good change.

I don't know how you feel about using the rod (spanking) as a form of discipline, but I believe that if it is done with a motivation of love and not in anger, it is very effective. Tripp's book explains very clearly this process. Also, giving her as much freedom to "own" her lessons has helped my son a great deal. I give him a weekly sheet of what he is expected to do, and it is his responsibility to follow it. Of course, I do remind him to stay on task, etc, but I make him be in charge of it as much as I can. If he doesn't complete it, then he doesn't get a prize out of his treasure box on Friday afternoon. Each child has a treasure box filled with small (Dollar Tree) items that they like. They have to cover their eyes with a bandana and choose a prize out of their box if they have done all their work in the week. I believe in rewarding them for the "work" they do. I believe their lessons are work for them. They also get a small allowance for doing all their house and room chores weekly. I believe incentives are very helpful with these children.

I have also told my sons that they will be able to play one sport each season as long as they do their required lessons. If they don't or they complain, etc, then they will miss their game or practice that day. Very good incentive to get all their work done!

I have found that paddling the palm of their hands for things like complaining, grumbling, lying, tattling, or other things is very effective. I always hug them immediately after that and tell them I love them, but that what they are doing is not acceptable. They are free to communicate things with me, just not in a bad attitude way. We must give our children lots of grace and unconditional love, while also teaching them and training them in character.

It's not easy at all, friend. But let me encourage you. God's grace is sufficient. What is it that your daughter enjoys? What are her gifts and talents? Maybe she could participate in something she really likes as long as she gets her lessons done? Maybe you could us a timer as an incentive? You could even tell her that she doesn't have to sit at the kitchen table to do her work if she will just get it done. She can lay on her bed, sit outside under a tree, lay in the floor, sit on the couch, whatever. There is no one right way to do it. Let's not be micro-manager mom/teachers. Let's be macro-managers. As long as they get it all done, that's what matters! And they do their best as well!

I hope this is helpful. All I can tell you is that my son came to me last week and actually thanked me for giving his hand some spanks. He told me that he really needed it and gave me a big hug. Wow. In all things, pray for God's wisdom according to James 1. God our Father will pour it on you abundantly, I promise. Let's be led by His Spirit in all things, including the training of our children. He knows them so much better than we do. There is no one cookie cutter approach, only helpful hints.

One other thing is possibly asking her what she would like to study or do in homeschool? Give her as much of the decision as you can. This really motivates the strong willed breed. I am NO expert and fail daily, but I pray you will be encouraged and helped. It is a journey. She is very young still and this is all a part of growing up. Let her express her feelings in a respectful way and affirm her, communicate often. But don't allow her to manipulate the family. She is not in charge! You are!

Blessings,
Tina