need input on socializing

[kiloyd]

Okay, here goes. Dh now says ds (Michael) should have more close friends, he only has one close/best friend and plays well with others anywhere we go. This friend is from church and is in public school.

Apparently dh has observed M being the "outsider" at baseball this season. As in he doesn't know what the other kids are talking about if they talk about what happened in school today.

We also are new, we moved to this small town last July. This wouldn't have mattered as much in our old bigger town in NC because there were so many different schools in the county, here there is one. And our church had sport teams so he played with kids he knew.

I just recently found two semi-local hs groups and have done a couple field trips and get togethers with them. It takes time to develop closer friendships, I have to know the parents' well before I will allow my child to be at their house without me. And it's hard to get together with ps kids , especially if the parents work. Dh now wants M to have friends in this town that he will play sports with.

M is in Cub Scouts 3 days a month, Sunday school and AWANA on Sunday (AWANA is done for the summer), and baseball 3 nights a week. We stay home all day most days.

I think dh only sees the baseball and scout stuff and does not know how great M plays with hs kids.

At this point I would not put up a huge fight to keep him home, just pray for God's will. But I think the reasons are dumb. I told dh that if M went to ps then sports would have to stop. We could not be out in the evening if he had to be up at 6:30 for school.

I don't think dh realizes that if M went to ps, it would be school all day, homework, supper, bed. Church on Sunday but nothing else.

I'm venting and looking for ideas.

Coming back to add, I think what really bothered dh was that these boys are not including ds in their chatting in the dugout and after the game. I say, we are new and who cares, it will come. If these boys are not including him now then I don't want him in school with them.

Please pray with me for dh to be "sold out" on hsing. If I have to have friends over more to make dh happy, then I will. But you all know how hard it is to get together with other hsing moms, it's even harder to get together wtih ps kids.

Thank you for any advice or prayers.

Katherine

[jenntracy]

I think you have many good points and will pray for your hubby. It is hard to see the difference in PS vs. Homeshooling or even Christian school.
I think it sounds like your son , Michael will do fine. It will take time to make "true" friends.

Why would you want your son knowing what they are talking about in public school, isn't that the point , you are hschooling because you don't want to public school.. just talking out loud , because i see your points.

I have a son who is especially shy around groups and i think he would be traumatized if i tried to force all sorts of group activities on him. He does plenty.
He is also in a cub scout pack that's by-laws have added Chrsitan content which has been great for my son AND my hubby. Hubby goes with him and each dad has to take turns leading ... really cool.
He goes to church and once in awhile we meet with friends at park.

Praying your hubby will see the light and understand.

Jenn D.

[psreit]

Katherine,
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this issue in hs. I will pray that you and your dh come to a mutual decision about your son's education. One question is, do you have other children?

My dh always let me make the choice on the schooling. I'm the one who does the hs, so he will support whatever I decide. We have 3 grown dc that I hsd. Now we have an adopted 7 yo. When I put dd in our Christian school for K back in the fall, dh was fine with that. Now I'm bringing her back home and he is fine with that. He just doesn't want me flip-flopping. Since finding HOD, I intend to hs her for a long time

Anyway, I do have some extended family who probably think that I am depriving my dd of being with friends and even depriving her of a 'good education'. It is tough sometimes because she doesn't have any siblings close to her age. Like you, I get involved with our local hs group for co-op, field trips, etc. We go to church 3 times a week, visit family, etc. She certainly isn't deprived. I know dd enjoyed being in school, mainly because of being with friends, but I do not miss it. I felt life was too hectic, because I had to be her transportation to and from school. Although she will miss her friends, I know she will do fine being at home. I just need to find time outside of school for her to spend time with them. She gets to see a cousin almost every Sunday that is her age. They say girls are generally more sociable. That's definitely true in our case.

We have one son. He started homeschooling when he was in 7th grade. He had friends, but I wouldn't say he was extra close to anyone in particular. He was content to be home doing his books alone in his room. He did play basketball for the hs group. Probably a year before he graduated, he got a job in a local country store, with his male boss and a bunch of ladies, many horse and buggy Mennonites He later went to college where he did great and met his wife. He is now preaching and hoping to some day go into ministry full time. He is sociable and very polite to those he meets.

There are times I feel bad because our dd7 doesn't have other kids to play with on a regular basis, but it really helped to hear a hs convention speaker, just last month, on this topic. She said, "If they can get along at home, they can get along anywhere." So, I took that to heart and determined that my dd's relationship with her family needs to be the most important social character in her life. I have a 20 yo that she bucks heads with often, so she does need work in that area at home. When she is in school all day those issues aren't dealt with.

I hope this helps in some way. I know I rambled. I will pray that your dh will soften to the idea of hs. It sounds like what you are doing now is great. If your son is not a very outgoing type, it may take him a little longer to develop a close friendship. But when he does, it will stick. My dd likes to be with any kids, because she is very sociable, but I can see her having trouble making very close friends for that reason. She tries too hard and some get turned off. I trust you will have peace with whatever decision is made.

[kiloyd]

My other children are girls and are 5 1/2 and about to turn 3.

Michael is social, fairly outgoing. I told dh that with baseball we do not have time to get together with friends in the afternoon. With AWANA, scouts, and sports it is enough. Now he wants him hanging out with friends. (rolling eyes) As if I don't have enough to do with 3 kids, house keeping, and hsing.

Praying for God's will to be done. God knows I want to hs, and I"m thankful for the 4 yrs I've done it. I wish dh would be totally on board so I wouldn't have to re-evaluate every year. I was mainstream too before children now I'm not at all and dh still is.

Katherine
ds (9 in 3 days) Bigger
dd 5
dd (almost 3)

[MamaPajama]

I'm sort of in the same boat. My husband isn't ready to send the kids off to PS for it, but he does get on me a lot to try and schedule more playdates with other HS kids. We have a lot of kids in the neighborhood that DS and DD can play with, but unfortunately the two that come down the most are not the types of kids I want my kids around a whole lot. Thankfully he does fully see the difference in the behavior of the HS kids we know versus the PS ones, so that's a plus. But I've tried to explain to him how difficult it can be to schedule playdates with other HSers because they are just as busy as we are though we do see many of them often.

We will be putting DS into Boy Scouts this Fall and I'm hopeful this will alleviate some of my DH's nerves. And I'm praying that DS will really bond with one or two of the other boys there. I see that your son is already involved with that, AWANA and sports. I agree with the PP that that's enough. IMO, the most important socialization a child gets is right at home with Mom, Dad and sibs.

[sw1ssm1ss]

We are so blessed to have many hs families in our church, such that we have built in socialization when we need it. But, like you've said, hs families are busy, so real playdates can be hard. Right now I'm considering myself very blessed to have a friend who is also doing Charlotte Mason (but not HoD--I'm working on her ) who invited... asked... almost cajoled me into allowing her to do a weekly science and art lesson with her son and my daughter. I'm so appreciative! During the lesson, her toddler sleeps, and I do errands with mine. After the lesson, all 5 kids and the two moms have lunch together, then play more.

If you really, really want to socialize, maybe consider offering to do something like this to another HS family? It's been much easier for me to justify making time for it because it covers some subject areas!

One more thing, I think some of us have overlooked this statement, "Dh now says ds (Michael) should have more close friends, he only has one close/best friend and plays well with others anywhere we go." Let's see, he *has* one close friend and plays *well* with others. That sounds pretty good to me! And many people might not want much more than that. So maybe, again, the key is how your son feels about his life and his friendships. If he's not lonely, that will hopefully be enough for your dh.

[rainbowacreshs]

Hi.
We have been homeschooling since my oldest dd was a toddler. Except for a short trial run at a our local public school, homeschooling is all she knows. Through the years we have maintained "socialization" through Girl-Scouts, dance classes, and church. Currently we are active with 4-H, puppet ministry at 2 different churches, and homeschool co-op.
This year I had wondered about where and who her friendships were with. At our church she is the only homeschooling teen, so she runs pretty much in her own circle. I've asked if she's been able to develop her friendships with the other girls there. She's expressed that though she likes the other girls enough, and is friendly with them, she doesn't feel like she "fits". She's told me all they seem to talk about is about other girls and having boyfriends. There's one girl in particular that dd simply has walked away from because as she has told me..."momma, I don't want that kind of drama."
As homeschoolers and even more,as christians, I've told her, we tend to live with a completely differnent set of standards than the world around us. I've told her, that though she may not have lots of friends, the friendships she does make will be cherished and of value. I asked her to name the friends she felt she the most comfortable with, and not surprisingly the two she named she considers to be as close as sisters to her.
I think that, children and yes us adults too, still feel the weight of the world pressing against us. We live in a society that is bombarded with media hype and propaganda. As a society we tend to believe more is better, and seemingly willing to sacrifice quality for the quantity. I know that it has taken me a long time to start shedding certian mentalities, to step back and look at the whole picture and not just the moment.

I have found this to be true for my dd.... she is content with who she is...she loves the friends she has (even if she sees them just once a week)...she lives with the set of standards and morals that will uphold her throughout her life...she cherishes what she has, and does not regret what she doesn't have...

So that said, build your child up to value the time spent when he is among other kids. Look at the whole picture and ask if your child seems content with the activites/friendships he currently has. As a close friend who is getting rdy to start graduating her homeschool highschoolers has said to me.."Its quality, not quantity."

I will be praying for continued guidance and wisdom for your family.

[MamaPajama]

You know, Jasmine makes some very good points. I was a PS kid, and we moved a TON. The minute I would make friends that I felt comfortable with, we would move. Between the PS philosophy and the amount of times we moved, I STILL feel like life is a big popularity contest. At 30 years old I still fight with the idea that I want everybody to like, no, love me, and I constantly second guess the things I say and do for fear that my friends aren't going to want me around anymore. I look to peers for support, many times before I even look to God. It's a burden that I really don't want to put on my kids. I want them to know that it's good to be kind and compassionate with others, but I don't ever want them to feel that if they aren't in the popular group or have tons of friends, that they aren't good enough. Honestly one or two close friends can be much more satisfying than trying to impress a whole group.

[kiloyd]

Mamapajama, I like what you said "Honestly one or two close friends can be much more satisfying than trying to impress a whole group." I agree.

I think that dh needs to give us time to develop these friendships and he should encourage friendships with the boys from scouts since he is the den leader!

On a happy note, I got a good idea tonight! Our town rec. dept offers some great classes and not too terribly expensive prices, I found a half day week long drama class in August I want to sign M up for. And they offer other stuff during the school yr that I have not wanted to pay for. I've been focused on paying down our debt from dh's past job loss. But I'm thinking if it is that important to dh then I should let go of the money and sign M up.

Unfortunately our church here in town is not doing VBS this year (we're just getting a new pastor this month). So I'm going to take them to one 20 min away , one that our church has done stuff with. Those two things will be enough for the summer plus hanging out at the pool and having friends over. I'll sign him up for another town class in the fall.

I'm prayign that God will make it easy (thanks Lora Beth . If God wants us to hs then He will make it easy to continue. Besides I was excited to do Preparing this fall!

Katherine

[jenntracy]

Those last few posts reminded me of how even jsut last week i was thinking "who are true friends?" i went to public school and i didn't feel like i fit in. My parents raised me with good morals and it was hard to find kids that had the same and i wasn't willing to succomb to their standards.
There are a few people i talk to once in a while from high school.
Here , where i live now, i really only have a few friends that i could spill everything to and know they really care and would go miles for me and vice versa.
I have friends , but the few that are close mean the most.
So yes, quality is better than quantity. I hope to instill this idea in our children while they are young.
So proud of your young lady, Jasmine.

This is such a great discussion and great reminder of what homeschooling is about. Not just educating with "books" but relationships, too.

[LynnH]

I have a little different perspective. My dd has been in public school her whole life. She just finished 9th grade. She has lots of people she calls friends, but only 2 I would say are good friends. These 2 are new friends this year. My dd has had a different set of friends every year of school. This has mostly been due to the fact that each year she was in class with a different set of kids and had to start all over making friends. We haven't changed school districts, it is just the schools are large and that is how it has worked. She has no time at night to do anything with friends due to homework and church. On weekends it seems her friends always have something going on when she is free or vice versa. She has struggled a lot trying to stay a christian girl with a strong moral code in high school. That is just not an acceptable thing to be any more. It has gotten so bad that she has decided to come home next year. She is very outgoing and social, so if she has had trouble finding good friends in public school I know it must be tough to do. I think people think if you are in public school you automatically have a social life and lots of friends and that just isn't true. My ds came home this year as a 5th grader and when he left school he had 1 good friend.

[kiloyd]

LynnH, thank you for your reply. I agree with you, just because a kid (or adult) is around a group of people a lot does not mean they will make strong friendships, or any friendships.

I love my new plan and pray dh will agree to it. He's the money spender and I"m the money saver, so it was part me that did not want to pay for these classes this past year.

I also think some of dh's expectations are too high. 8 or 9 yr olds generally only have 1 or 2 really close friends, for that matter, most grown ups only have that many!

Katherine

[mrsrandolph]

Just looking at things from another perspective...but when I mentioned your post to my husband, he said that maybe your husband hasn't considered that a lack of socialization with the "public school crowd" is a GREAT thing.

We consider it a blessing when our kids don't know what is going on at the public school. It gives our kids a type of "innocence". For example, our oldest is almost 8. Many kids younger than ours that are in PS know the meaning of the terms "gay" and "sex". Our kids do not have to deal with that knowledge before they need to. Know what I mean?

One major advantage of HSing is that is gives you the opportunity to PREVENT bad socialization.

[kiloyd]

Just looking at things from another perspective...but when I mentioned your post to my husband, he said that maybe your husband hasn't considered that a lack of socialization with the "public school crowd" is a GREAT thing.

We consider it a blessing when our kids don't know what is going on at the public school. It gives our kids a type of "innocence". For example, our oldest is almost 8. Many kids younger than ours that are in PS know the meaning of the terms "gay" and "sex". Our kids do not have to deal with that knowledge before they need to. Know what I mean?

One major advantage of HSing is that is gives you the opportunity to PREVENT bad socialization.

I totally agree with you! I love that my children are keeping their innocence.

I think that dh just wants to see Michael around kids more. And he doesn't see what we do during the day. I think now that I've found hs groups in my area, we will do more, no, I know we will do more, we already have!

Katherine

[kiloyd]

I just had a thought. I've recently started babysitting an 11 mo old 3 days a week. I did it to pay down our debt faster, but maybe God has provided this so that I may pay for the classes I've wanted to put him in all this past year.