adoption and sibling rivalry

[Tansy]

So we are starting school officially.. yet I'm running into some sibling rivalry of a grand scale.

My eldest (jayjay) cried for an hour the first official day because the new adoptee from china sat on her stool (for 2 min) before I came in. I had asked jayjay to get the extra stool from the piano for her sister. She didn't do it because she didn't want that stool even tho it wasn't for her it was for her sister... I was gathering up supplies and when I came in China girl is siting on "jayjay's stool jayjay is bawling and refusing to speak or do anything. It of course boils down to new girl is stealing my mother/ my space/ my stool etc.. I figured it out but it took an hour to calm jayjay down and get her to stop the "drama." Then she was sullen for the rest of the day.

Junk like this is happening every day. If I do school with them together. They are vieing for my attention. And jayjay is fine if its her turn, but if I'm sitting next to her and tell her to do 4 simple problems while I work with China on something else China is sitting on my other side.. well jayjays work gets done very slowly and all wrong. She becomes obtuse, and "turns victim" I can't do it, its to hard, she wails... the moment she has my attention it doesn't get better. If I don't "tell" her the answers it doesn't get done. Her math grade went from A to D overnight. If I sit with her and watch her finish each problem takes 5-10 min and it gets done right, If I send China out of room it goes a bit quicker. I can see she is using it as a tool to hogg mama face time.

If I separate them China is fine and happy to play alone but she constantly comes in for approvel and to reassure herself we haven't gone anywhere, Jayjay won't let me work with China when it is China's turn and constantly interrupts us for trivial and I mean trivial help. "Mom I can't remember what 2+2 is... Mom where are the bowls? Mom I can't turn on the TV. Mom should I feed the dog now instead of at dinner time? "

I know it is still early on in our adoption, but I can't seem to settle them down into a routine. And I'm getting frustrated 10 min into school, jayjay is undermining me at every possible turn with drama or pure rebellion. China is more subtle and will shut down inwardly to gain attention or claim her leg hurts... etc to get in my lap.

I could really us some advice. I have tried various forms of discipline from timeouts to chores to having her teach her sister nothing has worked. Yes they are both getting as much one on one time with both parents as we can give them. The thought of renting a hotel room for the weekend and just being alone for a few hours is starting to look appealing.

My social worker suggested sending China to half day ESl kindergarden. Part of me rebels at separating them to help them get along.. It just seems counterintuitive. I know I'm missing the trees for the forest any help pinpointing the underlying cause/cures would be greatly appreciated.

[inHistiming]

I have not adopted any children so any advice I have does not stem from any actual experience with adopted children. However, I am assuming that they have the same desires that any other child does...maybe some extras due to their specific situations. I think your older dd is just trying to find out what she can get away with. She's been the only one for quite a while now, and I'm sure she wants to make sure that she still gets your attention. It sounds like you're doing all you can to give that to her, and to your new addition.

I would say maybe have a 'family meeting' and discuss some rules. Make it clear that you can't tolerate the constant interruptions and need for help with things that you and she both knows she is capable of figuring out on her own. Then, tell her what the consequences will be, and make sure you dole them out. It's really hard, and very frustrating, to get anything done when you have a child who constantly needs you for something...and the frustrating part is when you know they don't really need you. You could tell her you understand that it's hard to share Mommy, but that she's going to have to be willing to do that, just as you are now having to split your time between her and her ds. I don't know how much of a communication barrier you still have with your newest daughter, but as best you can make sure she understands this, too. They must allow you to work with the other child, and they will get their turn. I hope that's been helpful. I know others will be here to give some great tips on how to deal with your situation. Please keep us updated as to how it's going.

[momof2n2]

I have never adopted, so weigh my input accordingly.
The part I want to comment on is the ESL-K. While that may look good on paper to someone else and it might seem to solve a "problem" in the short term, it sounds from this and other posts of yours that it wouldn't exactly bless you in following your call to HS.
My home is falling apart right now as we start our HS year. I posted my own frantic thread a few days ago. I am just resting on the hope that God wants us to be doing this and He will sustain me as I wait for them to all accommodate to our new year and system. I suspect on some level that is what your girls are needing too.
I will pray for your family as I know so many others are praying for mine. ♥

[water2wine]

Sorry about the double post.

[water2wine]

Tansy I am going to give you my been there done that guess. And I am writing this quick so it is going to sound straight forward and maybe sterile instead of light and fluffy but please know I mean it with the love of one mom of choice to another mom of choice and it is only my best guess from my own personal experience. So here goes .....

We adopted our three at once and our oldest had a best friend left behind that we fell in love with and now is my daughter as well. There was five months in between our second adoption of three and our fourth one being adopted who was our oldest best friend and had been with her since birth. They are three months apart in age but the oldest is the one we adopted first. So even though the oldest was actually praying for God to open the doors and allow us to adopt her then friend now sister, she had an awful time adjusting. And so did her sister. It was a very taxing time emotionally because they both wanted to be "it" for me and with me. And the oldest child regressed and actually had more of a hard time adjusting then she did when we initially adopted her. I do not want to post what her problems were but it would have put most people over the edge. However I did know that it was a regressing on her part and it would pass. I believe that is what you are dealing with.

I really want to encourage you to lower your academic and performance expectation. You may even have to go through all the bonding steps you did with the first one when you first adopted her. She probably needs a ton of reassurance now that she has not just been replaced by your new daughter as inconceivable as that may sound to you adopted kids have issues with abandonment and to her you may have just have abandoned her in a sense even though for you nothing has changed. So I would actually allow them to regress a bit emotionally while not allowing a behavior quality level behavior. By that I mean allow her to be wrapped up like a baby if that is what she wants but don't let her do harmful behavior. It would be totally normal for both to need to regress. And while you are flexible in that area I would really establish with them their role in your life. By that I mean they sound like they are both looking for their place in yor world and want to know it is a place of importance. I would say to them maybe 20 times a day how God gave them to you and maybe go over the story of how you felt when you first saw each one. Then after that is pretty well established I would start to intertwine those stories and have a thread of how God brought you all together and how important it is that they are sisters. Then it is all about how great it is to be sisters and that you both have the same mommy. I think you are getting the idea. I did this very purposefully with my children and it was the key to everything.

On school, I really think just what you guys do is OK and maybe it is OK if sometimes that seems unproductive for now. I know you can see what they are capable at now and that they are holding back but at this point the most important thing is getting the bonding issue handled with it seems like both of them in a way. That will have far more reaching impact then even missing the entire school year. Last piece of advice. Don't listen to the social worker. She needs to bond with you and your dh and her new sister now not the school teacher. It will only teach her to find coping mechanisms within the school instead of fixing the root of the issue which seems like a bonding/attachment disorder issue that only your family can fix. You are who God called to be mom and He has equipped you for this task. Do not forget that.

I hope there is something in there that will be of encouragement to you. Hang in there I had a few days I thought I would lose my mind but now my two are the absolute best of friends and their relationship is so special as is mine with both of them. I know you will soon have peace in your home in this way as well. Adjustment like this does take a lot of time sometimes but I think it is actually normal even though it is hard. Hang in there!

[Tansy]

It was a very taxing time emotionally because they both wanted to be "it" for me and with me. And the oldest child regressed and actually had more of a hard time adjusting then she did when we initially adopted her. I do not want to post what her problems were but it would have put most people over the edge.

Regression is exactly what happened I won't go into the gory details but does running out of the house and sitting in the back yard hugging the dog crying and refusing to come in sound familar? O wait that was me... not the child. If I had a pantry I would have locked myself in it.

Its like night and day one day she excells in math because she can Lord it over her sister that she can do higher math.. the next day she is miss helpless. The ESL was suggested on the SW part as a way for big sister to get more face time without having to compete for it. They are getting on like a house on fire lately. Just not in school.
Thanks for the shooting straight from the hip... I'm not into light and fluffy..

[water2wine]

Regression is exactly what happened I won't go into the gory details but does running out of the house and sitting in the back yard hugging the dog crying and refusing to come in sound familar? O wait that was me... not the child. If I had a pantry I would have locked myself in it.

Hahaha! Yes that sounds familiar! It is hard. I know it's going to get better though. It does.