OT- I am having a "STRAW" day

[Jessi]

Hi ladies.

You know the saying "the straw that broke the camel's back"... well, I won't bore you with all of the details but I can't take much more. For those who do not know our situation, I operate a day care out of my home. My husband works 2nd shift so he sleeps all day and leaves at 4pm and works until 3am. I rarely see him and for all intensive purposes I am a single parent during the week. Both my husband and I freely admit this. Well life is chaotic right now. I am not a baby person (never really have been, other than my own of course) and I am starting a new baby at my house who does nothing but scream if I move more than a foot away from him. I didn't think it was possible for a child to cry this much, but apparently it is possible after all.

On top of that, my son (almost 2) is being an extremely difficult child. He is constantly telling me no, screaming, hitting, and the icing on the cake is that he is a secretive little bully. He is picking on the kids at my house. I am not one who lets things slide. I am on him like peanut butter on jelly constantly. Then my daughter has entered this phase where she gets very easily upset with me and won't talk to me if I don't address her in a manner she sees fit. For example, if I am distracted while talking to her because another child is climbing on furniture and I go to stop them, when I come back and ask what she was saying she gets all huffy (at 4!) and says "I'm not going to tell you now." and storms away. And for some reason both are attached to me big time so even on the weekend they really don't want daddy for anything major. It has to be me.

I asked God why he would call me to homeschool in the midst of this chaos. I don't know how I'll get it done and still watch everyone else's kids. I know that part of it is that I have not had one single moment away from my kids for personal "me" time since the beginning of June. Seriously. There is much more going on but those are the ones pertaining to homeschooling more or less.

I feel like I am failing everywhere. I am trying to do LHTH and when we do get it done it is great. I really try to do fun things with the kids like long walks, go to the park or school playgrounds, wrestle on the floor (since their dad isn't around to do it with them) and I feel like a door mat all smeared with mud for my efforts. I am tired of trying to appear as if I have it all under control. If you think on it, please pray. I could use a boost. Thanks.

[Marty D]

Hey Jessi,

I wish I had some great words for you to help put everything in perspective, but I don't. I have some of the same issues with a second shift husband, and feeling like you are doing it by yourself. My heart goes out to you. Although I have no words of wisdom, I will definitely pray for you.

[Vicki]

(((Jessi))),

Here's a hug for you. I can't even imagine the stress you are under right now. I have some thoughts, but I'm not sure what to say. Just know that we're all thinking of you, and here to listen.

[lovetobehome]

Hi Jessi,
I can't imagine! You poor mama! Sending some hugs and will pray for you today, as well. My first thought was, "she needs a baby carrier!" Can you get a nice baby carrier to keep that new baby close and not crying? My daughter was just that way, and it about drove me batty. With my son, I got into babywearing using an Ergo or a Beco, and I can get LOTS more done while not feeling guilty and not having him scream. He is happy, I am feeling like I have him close to me....and we can still accomplish the day's work.
Just a hint on that one area....that may help you. Also, with regards to your children, I am reading a book called Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. I don't think my children are really angry, but I learned a LOT about myself, about how to deal with anger, what the symptoms of anger are, and I am also learning new (for me) and healthier Biblical ways to respond to frustrations with my children and spouse. My responses, which again aren't over-the-top, are still rooted in anger, and knowing that has helped me work on it. When I respond to those normal frustrations in a more positive way, a Biblical way, my children learn new responses. This book helped me several years ago, and I am finding it is helping me again now. I want to buy a copy for everyone I know! It sounds like maybe your kiddos are reacting a bit out of anger or frustration, and that is understandable given all you have on your plate. But maybe it will be helpful? Or maybe I am totally off! Forgive me is I am ! It's just what came to mind as I pondered your post, but maybe just because it is what *I* am dealing with!
I will pray for you this morning, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes we all need to be bathed in prayer and given lots of warm hugs....consider yourself hugged!
Meg

[crlacey]

I too thought "baby carrier". My son LOVED our Mei Tai. When he was really little, he snuggled in and took naps there or just got a fun perspective of the world while feeling safe and swaddled. Then as he got older, I was able to use the same carrier to put him on my back so he was close, could see, but not touch everything.

It also sounds like your kids are really needing some mommy time. I know mine need one on one mommy time often, and I only have two that I'm trying to spread the attention to. Wen they start acting out, that when I know they are doing anything in their power to get attention. Even if it's negative attention.

I hope you can figure out a solution to your problem. I commend anyone who can do an in home day care because I'm ready to be done with other people's kids after an evening of a babysitting swap!

[Jessi]

Bless you all for responding. Your prayers must be working..that and a good night of sleep always helps put things in perspective. I'll have to keep the baby carrier in mind if things don't settle down. I am not much for carrying kids all the time, but if he doesn't chill out, I'll look into getting one. I figure he just has to adjust.

Meg- thank you for the book suggestion. I know I have anger issues and it appears my kids do too....so I will try to find that book and read it.

Bless you all for "listening."

[water2wine]

Wow! That is a lot. A few things come to mind. I am on a similar track with my husband working a lot but we are blessed because his second job is out of the house. We have had it where I was also working something that was very flexible and around his work but I am certain daycare would be much harder. I guess I will just share the couple of things that come to mind and tell you one thing we did.

First thing I did was to pray for God to show me the best solution for our family and to empower me to do it. I was shocked to find that it was even though it seemed completely illogical that I should step down from my position. And please know that this was something that was a situation where I had many people depending on me and it was going to affect not just their income but their lives. So I was essentially let them down. But what I heard strong from God is that my first call is to my family. Now if you pray God may show you a solution on how to make your job work and how to run your day care. But that act of praying and sincerely committing to do with faith anything He shows you to do is the best advice I can give in times like this. For us me doing what God showed us paid off about 30K in debt, fixed our credit and gave us a much more peaceful home. I would never have known logically that it would be the answer but God blessed us in ways we could never have known He would in it. So our illogical is often God's plan that we have to walk in faith. I am praying He has also a hidden blessing for you if you completely submit to what He might show you is your answer.

The other thing I am thinking is perhaps your son is jealous. I am thinking his bullying is maybe to try to get your undivided attention on him instead of the other kids. My first job ever was a daycare. I had nine two year olds and I was only 15 going on 16. I know that would be illegal but when I did it was actually a gov't school assisted job. Hahaha! But bottom line that kind of thing was common issue back then where a kid would act out and be a bully because they wanted you to pay attention to them. What worked was creating a little special ritual for them. Something you only do with them. It can be quick but it just has to let them know they are special to you. You may find a better thing to do but my guess is that is why he is doing that.

On the baby the other mom's have great ideas. Mine would be if babies drive you nuts then with all that you are taking on I would not have a baby in my daycare and though it would be hard I would let the mom know it is not working. So I am not solution oriented on this one. I see hmm I already have these other kids and if this one puts me over the edge and I can't work with it then maybe I shouldn't take the baby. But that is not the nicest solution. However just in case you need someone to agree with you on that as a solution here I am, Hahaha! If you have to have the baby I am thinking maybe you could ask the mom what she does when her child screams all the time. I am sure she is dealing with it too unless you are just experiencing separation anxiety and if that is the case you could ask what she does with her child and imitate the same thing in your daycare. What comes to mind is how it is when you first adopt a baby and they have separation anxiety having the same routine, a toy that travels with them and some similar comforting techniques helps in transition.

OK last piece of advice hang in there for this one. We all have this level, you call it the straw, I call it the freak out bar . But it is just that level where we know if this happens that is when you will sort of fall apart. You kind of feel it building and then you know when you hit it. So when you hit that straw level pray to God to give you strength to raise that bar up so that you can handle this situation. In other words you kind of decide with the help of God not to make this your straw level and to instead help you find a solution so that you can get around the mountain. So now instead of the straw you start looking for God's hand in a solution. I know it sounds silly in a way but t is something that God has always honored for me. It is actually working on biblical principles letting God know this is more than you can bear and asking Him to bear the burden for you and clear your path to put you on His. That is essentially what you are doing but sometimes it helps in that to just say OK that would have been the straw but instead I am not going to let it be. I am going to turn it over to God and instead of the straw I am going to ask Him to carry me and help me find a way out, through, over, or under, so that I can still accomplish His will for me. And what happens is Satin stops being able to get the best of you and you actually get to the solution and blessing God has for you in it.

Having said all this and now that you know the crazy things I do in my head when I hit the wall, please know you are in my prayers. This is a lot to handle I am praying for a solution so that you can still be able to homeshool and somehow have peace. Hang in there! This is an overwhelming amount but you sound like actually you are a strong woman and I am praying that you can find that strength and see God's blessing in it somehow. Somewhere there is a bearable plan that God can bless you in some way. I am praying you find it. Hopefully there is something in my very long ramble that can help but if not I know the other moms got you covered. Hang in there!

[Samuel'sMommy]

Jessi, I don't have any advice for you, but I just prayed for you and will continue to do so.

[Jessi]

water2wine- Thank you for your reply. I sometimes lose focus about relying on God's peace to get me through difficult times. I feel like Paul walking on the water alot. I start off with my eyes on Him and then I get worried and overwhelmed and I start to sink. I have taken your words to heart.

The issue with the baby is a delicate one. I used to babysit their daughter who is now 8. At the time I was pregnant with my son, this mom was also pregnant with a little girl. She had her very prematurely at almost six months but the baby only lived 4 days and died. So this is their miracle baby after that tragedy. They have pampered him and loved on him so much, he expects it wherever he is. He has extreme attachment/abandonment issues. I call these people friends and since I do understand where they are coming from with the loss of their other child, I do not want to let them go. In addition, they put him in another day care until this fall as I told them I couldn't handle three babies at one time. The other day care was neglecting him something awful. In day care it is nice to find young ones to watch because there is a little job security for the long haul as opposed to starting a 3 or 4 year old that will soon be entering preschool and then formal school. Know what I mean?

As to praying about the best solution to our needs, I am challenged by your words to seek out the Lord's will and to boldly step out and claim it, whatever it is. Is it rotten of me to hope that His will is leading me to quit my job? haha. It is funny but I have recently felt the Holy Spirit really leading in certain aspects of my life. One was a lie that I had told my husband several years ago...nothing tragic but man the H.S. was on my tail, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, it was on my mind constantly. I finally fessed up and the grace from my hubby was so wonderful. The H.S. went silent. Then I felt a nudging again from H.S. to quit birth control. That is a freaky thing to hear, trust me. I don't really want more children, but I felt the H.S. telling me it was not for me to decide but to trust it to the Lord. I started having really bad side effects from my latest b.c. and so I quit. The H.S. has gone silent again. Well not really silent, but no major nudgings. I keep waiting for that nudging that says "Now is the time to quit day care and be a full time mommy." That hasn't come yet, so God has a purpose for where I am right now, but I am still going to pray for that best solution.

Thanks for your time!

[inHistiming]

One thing that comes to mind is this: since your dd is only 4, you have plenty of time to do LHTH. I would say put it on a shelf for a few weeks or less if that's all it takes, until you get the baby incorporated into your routine. Also, you'll need to work on the issues with your own children while doing that. I think it probably is just that you are often busy with the other kids, Daddy is not often home, and your son is 2(a notorious age for children!). That's a tough combination! Then, you can get LHTH back out when everything is back under control and you're not feeling so overwhelmed. You can always double up on some days to 'catch up' if you feel behind.

Have you been able to spend any time alone with your son, just reading or playing with blocks, etc? Maybe you can set up a schedule where you spend time (even just 15 minutes) with each child doing something they like to do. Do this with the daycare kids too. While you read to "Johnny" the others can play with play-dough, or play an easy board game, within eye/earshot. While you paint "Sophie's" fingernails, have the other kids work on a special coloring sheet or create a special meal to serve when you're done(with the play kitchen of course!). You get the idea. It may be tough to implement at first, but it seems like it would work once you got things established. I don't know what kinds of things you already do with them...I'm sure you've got your own sort of schedule in place. These are just some things that I thought of that you could try.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It is hard when your husband is away...it can begin to feel as if you're a single parent. Keep leaning on the Lord; He will sustain you. I don't know if it was recommended on this post or not, I think it was. But definitely try http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com for ideas. Everything there looked awesome! And keep us updated on how things are going.