what do you do?

[holyhart]

When well meaning family and friends are questioning your decision to hs? I feel like I am constantly defending this decision.

"What about socialization?"
"How do you know you're teaching them everything they need to know?"
"What if they aren't as far along as other children in that grade?"
"If your only schooling for 1.5-2hrs a day, you must be leaving something out. Regular school takes 7 hours."
"How on earth can you give your daughter a good education while keeping your (active) toddler busy and tending to a baby?

Or downright contrary opinions

"I think your making a HUGE mistake!"
"Soccer, dance and church only get her socialized for 3 hours a week...that's not enough...in public school, kids socialize for 35 hours a week. You'll turn your children into socially awkward introverts"

So on and so forth. You get the idea...I'm sure you've even heard the questinos/comments.

I am usually a pretty upbeat kinda gal ya know? But sheesh! All this 'defending' is starting to discourage me a bit. It doesn't make me regret the decision that my hubs and I made....it was done prayerfully and with lots of consideration....but it just feels like I am having to defend myself that I'm not scarring my child for life or completely ruining them and handy-capping them by not giving them a "traditional" or "established" education to every person I know/meet!!

So just wondering if y'all deal with this too and how you have handled this?

[Jessi]

The unknown is so frightening to so many people.

Man oh man, I had a whole diatribe written out. I guess my hackles rose and then I realized...duh, I am preaching to the choir here.

The best thing you can do when people around you are constantly demeaning the choice you and your husband have made is to state clearly to them "God has led us on this path. We are trusting Him with the details. I am not saying your way is wrong, but it isn't our way. Thank you for caring about our children and wanting the best for them but we are their parents and we know what IS best for them."

And then blow their socks off when they see how well adjusted, well socialized (I giggle at that term), and smart your kids turn out to be.

We don't have any homeschool friends in our sphere of influence so we are wading into uncharted waters for most of our family and friends. I tell Brad that perhaps we are the guinea pigs and when others see the huge benefit of homeschooling, perhaps we'll see some changed hearts.

I too struggle though because there are some within my church family that are adamant that children be in public school to be a light for others. But nowhere does it say in the Bible that children are to be ministering in Christ's name. Christ didn't even begin his ministry until he was an adult. How can we expect more of mere children? I believe this time is training them for when they are adults and spreading the message.

But I understand. ((((hugs))))

[happyhomeschooling]

The best thing you can do when people around you are constantly demeaning the choice you and your husband have made is to state clearly to them "God has led us on this path. We are trusting Him with the details. I am not saying your way is wrong, but it isn't our way. Thank you for caring about our children and wanting the best for them but we are their parents and we know what IS best for them."

Wow I think that is excelent advice

I don't think there is one of us who hasn't been frustrated with this question. I have a bad habit of constantly defending our families decsicion to homeschool also. And we do not question other people about why they choose to public school, why do they question our decion. I think Jessi hit it on the head that people are afraid of the unknown. I am not afraid to say also that I think some people are not so much questioning us as they are defending their choice, and trying to justify it by coming up with reasons that our choice is wrong. One thing that helps me is I just remember in my heart that this is what we feel God has instructed us to do and If God it for us who can be against us? It is discouraging when we are always being hit with the questions, but as Christians this is the life we must live, we are questioned about our faith, our convictions, our "closed minds". The "world" and yes even sometimes the church will come against us, but we will press on and fight the good fight, and that at the end of the day keeps us on our course. It is all for a higher purpose, and if we remind ourselves to focus on what God wants and not what makes others comfortable we find peace. Blessings, Lesley

[water2wine]

You have gotten great advice! I could not agree more with what has been said. I can so relate to what you are going through. I've been told everything from I am ruining my kids to I am a bad wife because dh works two jobs so we can homeschool. One thing that has really helped me and given me the peace and strength to stand up to them in a godly way instead of in defense, is to realize their goals are not ours. Their values are not the same as ours so they can not possibly comprehend what we are doing with our children. They honestly do not understand the concept of discipling children the way we are trying to with our children. And it is helpful that in my case most of my critics are not believers, but the ones that are still do not have the same ideas as we do about raising kids so it is hard to expect them to value what we are doing. And honestly some do understand but are not willing to do it for their children and sometimes that comes out as criticism instead of what it really is. Beyond that I honestly feel homeschooling is a call from God. People did not understand when we adopted four kids either. I even had a pastor tell me not to do it. But that I know was also a call from God. I think it is common that God does not let everyone else in on the call He gives specifically to you.

One thing I really want to encourage you on is not to give into it. I was criticized so heavily when I first started in PreK/K with my youngest four (partly because I had four at the age range and was trying to hs and partly because one had special needs) that I was convinced to put them in school. It was a huge mistake and I wish I had never believed the lies people were telling me. Unfortunately one of my dearest friends then was a special ed teacher and very anti homeschooling and unfortunately also very knowledgeable on adoption so convinced me along with the others that were convinced I had gone off the deep end. One thing I wish more than anything is that I had never let criticism have any weight in my heart. I wish I had understood that this is not just a choice for us, it was actually a call from God. So been there done that. I completely understand where you are coming from but please do not let it take your joy or your resolve. God gave our children to us and He speaks directly to us on their behalf. Their way may be great for their kids but your way is perfect for your kids.

[Jen in Va]

In addition to frequent visits here to the HOD boards , I would recommend getting you and your kids plugged in with a local homeschool group. You need real live positive support in the decision your family has made. We've all been there with the criticism. Mine lasted a relatively short period of time--once my parents and the in-laws--and even dh--saw the fruit of homeschooling they were totally on board. I have friends who still deal with near constant criticism from parents--even though they have successfully graduated one son who is doing well in college . Surround yourself with like-minded friends, because criticism, especially in the early days of the homeschooling journey, is tough. If you can--get to a homeschool convention --they are great places for catching the homeschooling fire and coming home inspired to press on. And know we are always here to support you in the decision you've made.

The socializaton thing always gets me. School is the only place a person is ever segregated based solely on age. How is that an accurate reflection of the real world? And yeah, I want my kid socialized to learn a new 4-letter word everyday. To grow up thinking drugs are cool, and mom and dad aren't. To be taught what is right and wrong by his age-mates. Sigh. I know, I know--as someone else mentioned--preaching to the choir, but it is an argument against homeschooling that is ridiculous at best. Pardon the vent

[Jessi]

Oh Jen!!!

That was similar to my vent session last night that I deleted...so I completely understand. Also, the rules in public schools are to sit down and be quiet. You are not encouraged to socialize as everyone thinks you are doing in public schools. In fact the 1st-3rd grade school here won't even let the children talk during lunch time.

But I do not want to rant completely on public schools because there is a reason for public school and like water2wine mentioned (I think) other people aren't called to homeschool like we are, so thankfully there are schools, but they need a major overhaul. The way I see it is our children will be one day leading the world with students from public and private schools. I want the best for everyone!!!!

[Jen in Va]

But I do not want to rant completely on public schools because there is a reason for public school and like water2wine mentioned (I think) other people aren't called to homeschool like we are, so thankfully there are schools, but they need a major overhaul. The way I see it is our children will be one day leading the world with students from public and private schools. I want the best for everyone!!!!

Oh absolutely! I'm a former public school teacher, so I know the good that the system can do. I've met homeschoolers who say that homeschooling is the only right/godly way to educate a child, but I fully believe that it is not right for every family. Not my call about what another family does in regard to education.

[my3sons]

When well meaning family and friends are questioning your decision to hs? I feel like I am constantly defending this decision.

"What about socialization?"
"How do you know you're teaching them everything they need to know?"
"What if they aren't as far along as other children in that grade?"
"If your only schooling for 1.5-2hrs a day, you must be leaving something out. Regular school takes 7 hours."
"How on earth can you give your daughter a good education while keeping your (active) toddler busy and tending to a baby?

Or downright contrary opinions

"I think your making a HUGE mistake!"
"Soccer, dance and church only get her socialized for 3 hours a week...that's not enough...in public school, kids socialize for 35 hours a week. You'll turn your children into socially awkward introverts"

So on and so forth. You get the idea...I'm sure you've even heard the questinos/comments.

I am usually a pretty upbeat kinda gal ya know? But sheesh! All this 'defending' is starting to discourage me a bit. It doesn't make me regret the decision that my hubs and I made....it was done prayerfully and with lots of consideration....but it just feels like I am having to defend myself that I'm not scarring my child for life or completely ruining them and handy-capping them by not giving them a "traditional" or "established" education to every person I know/meet!!

So just wondering if y'all deal with this too and how you have handled this?

What a great topic, and I do believe that all of us that homeschool either have been or will be asked similar questions as these! This type of talk can be a healthy topic of conversation to have with our dh and our dc. So, here's the question to talk about with our dh's (and then hopefully convey this to our dc):

Why are we homeschooling?

I don't think that there is a "right" answer here, as the reason(s) may be different for different families.

We are homeschooling because we want learning about the Lord to be part of our whole day, and we want Him to be a part of as many "subject" areas as possible. We also believe that it is our job as parents to "socialize" our children, not their peers. We want our dc to know each other well and be together during the days as well as the nights.

That's the very short answer for us. Notice I am not bashing ps here. No need to do that - it's not a good way for a Christian to talk anyway, and second of all, it just makes the people we're talking to go into defensive mode - which is what we're trying to get them out of and stay away from ourselves.

Now, as far as the other questions you mentioned, which are oh so common - I have learned the hard way that "less is more". The less I say about the details of our homeschooling to antagonistic people, the better. The people in my life that are somewhat antagonistic don't know how long I'm homeschooling, what my day looks like, or whether my dc are below/at/above grade level (which is a pretty difficult thing to measure anyway). They do know we're all happy with the way things are going. We're pretty much always "having a good year".

I've also found humor is a good thing to have - not sarcasm - but good humor! For example, here's a few either short or somewhat humorous responses to the questions you listed, with a quick change of subject at the end...
"What about socialization?" We love it that our kids are best friends. They'll be in each other's lives forever, and so will we - we're so happy with the way it's going. So, what's going on with you lately? How's your garden coming?

"How do you know you're teaching them everything they need to know?"
Wouldn't that be great to know for sure?!? I guess we'll just base it on the Bible; we figure that's the best resource out there in the long run anyway. So how's the new church building coming? I bet you've been so busy with that!

"What if they aren't as far along as other children in that grade?"
Oh goodness, I'm content with them just being average. As long as they're happy, healthy, and loving God - I figure we're doing good. So, what's been going on with you lately? Wyatt is sure enjoying the books you got him.

"If your only schooling for 1.5-2hrs a day, you must be leaving something out. Regular school takes 7 hours."
If I can't get school done in less time with 5 children compared to 30 children, there must be something wrong with me! It's just so great working with just a few kids, things just clip right along. Hey, we're going to be celebrating Riley's birthday in a month - what dates might work for you to come?

"How on earth can you give your daughter a good education while keeping your (active) toddler busy and tending to a baby?[/i]
Oh goodness, I'd take my busy baby and toddler any day over 20 other kids, school bells, and fire alarms. You know, just the other day Baby Emmett started playing peekaboo? Let's see if we can get him to do it...

Or downright contrary opinions

"I think your making a HUGE mistake!"
"Soccer, dance and church only get her socialized for 3 hours a week...that's not enough...in public school, kids socialize for 35 hours a week. You'll turn your children into socially awkward introverts"
I think it's tough to find any kid who hasn't gone through some awkward times - especially in middle school. I remember when I had braces and big glasses with a heart sticker in the corner - what was I thinking? Our kids just laugh and laugh when they see that picture of me now. It seems like all styles come back around though - like bell bottoms! Can you believe those were back in style for awhile... :

Well, you get my point here. As Christians, we are to guard what we say so that our talk is pleasing to be heard. For me, that means "redirect... redirect... redirect", and also I need to be sure why we are homeschooling and so does my dh. It's good to be able to verbalize that without bashing other ways of schooling.

I'm saying a prayer for you! Don't let others get you down. Win them over in time with happy, normal children. Time is the best defense out there! And if they still don't come around to homeschooling, that's o.k. too. If it wasn't homeschooling, it would probably be something else. As long as you and your dh and dc are doing o.k., that's more than enough!

In Christ,
Julie

P.S. Reading "The Socialization Trap" by Rick Boyer was very affirming and downright life-changing for me! You may want to get that! Believe me, Rick Boyer is in your corner!

[water2wine]

P.S. Reading "The Socialization Trap" by Rick Boyer was very affirming and downright life-changing for me! You may want to get that! Believe me, Rick Boyer is in your corner!

Second that book recommendation. It will be very reassuring for you!

[Motherjoy]

Just stick to it. The longer you do it, the less you care. The more you learn, the more you realize that the alternative is not worth it. Just smile and nod when ignorant people say something about homeschooling. Most of the time, they don't really want an explanation or a defense.

If its close friends and family, I just gave small prepared speeches and let my experience speak for itself. Eventually, they either agreed with us, that homeschooling was a better way, or they just figured we weren't going to quit so why bother hassling us about it.

[holyhart]

So I did order the book from Rick Boyer, and another called "So....Why We Homeschool" (I think....if not the title is close to that, nor do I remember the author right now either...) off of amazon.

I am hoping that they can help me put into words what I want to say to people. I certainly don't want to bash public school (I was ps'd and think that I received a decent education....but I'm also not crazy about the direction that ps is taking currently). Nor do I want to sound prideful in the decision that my hubs and I have made or stir up strife.

I just want to be able to quickly articulate why we made this choice and that it wasn't spur of the moment. It took time and prayer. And you girls are right, folks don't need to hear the details.

I also did some research and found a local Christian homeschool group (which I had been hoping to do anyhow). The parents meet together once a month and the kids have different classes together once a week. So Evelyn is 'enrolled' in a kindergarten "joyful learners" class on monday mornings. I do like the idea of having some community with like-minded families.

Thanks for all the understanding and ideas ladies. You've really been of tremendous help!

I think the reason I got so upset in the first place, is that it was my mom who questioned me this time. Plenty of others have, and it hasn't bothered me all that much. But my mom??? She is almost always my biggest chearleader. She had just come from the mall and ran into a friend of mine (who happens to be a brand new Christian and VERY VERY liberal in her thinking and EXTREMLY outspoken anyway) and said lots of negative things to my mom, which got my mom all worried about the choice to homeschool. So that just threw me for a loop when she started questioning me, as up till then she had (and really still is...just is now filled with worry) been supportive of this decision ya know?

[inHistiming]

holyhart,

I think it is more difficult when it's a close family member as opposed to a stranger, or just an acquaintance. We just spent over month traveling with my parents. We just finished our second full year homeschooling and I still get occasional negative comments from my mom. She was here when we received my kids' excellent SAT scores...and she still says my son (whose scores were the highest ever) needs to be in school with other 10 year old boys, to learn how to be a boy. She thinks it's worth the negative things he would learn...it was difficult, but I just told her we want to be the main influence in his life, and I don't think it's worth the negatives. I also said that he's going to learn how to be a man from his dad. We were able to drop it easily enough...I try not to get my feelings hurt. I would much rather have her full support, but ultimately it's my and my hubby's decision, and she acknowledges that. Be encouraged, if you're heeding God's call on your life, you and your family will reap the rewards! HTH

[amyw33]

I felt I had to jump in here We're happily doing LHFHG, and I lurk alot but don't usually have much to add!!!

My mom works for the local PS, (my grandmother volunteers 3 days a week) and my father was the former chair of a local community college department as well as a professor. So...you maybe can guess where I am going with this already???

My parents pitched a fit when I told them we were going to homeschool. Pretty much went off the deep end. In their defense, homeschooling is not exactly common in my area...okay, it's extremely uncommon and they only ever knew one family who homeschooled(they were a horrible representation of hsing). My parents are not naive enough to believe the ps system is wonderful, but they felt it was a necessary evil. That's where they were coming from, and once I realized they were just ignorant(much as I had been when I first stumbled upon the idea to hs), I decided it was time to educate them.

It has taken time prayer and patience, but they are at the worst neutral about it now. My father's been through a horrifying illness and isn't expected to live much longer, and I think he saw the light through that. He proudly tells everyone now, "My granddaughter is homeschooled!" and I've overheard my mom telling her friends how her granddaughter is going to get a far superior education because she is homeschooled. The thing is, they still have some reservations but they are seeing the fruit of it. They are watching hsing unfold as a wonderful thing before their eyes.

I'm very close with my parents, and this was a very tough thing to get through with them. It hurt, and it left me frustrated. It's taken them a couple of years to gradually see the light. Frankly, it taught me to be strong and to lean on the Holy Spirit and my DH to guide what I should be doing as far a hsing, not the approval of my parents.

So, you're not alone. It's not easy even as an adult when your parents disapprove! Just pray, pray, pray, and try to be patient with your mom!

[Ruth in FL]

Well, I can totally sympathize with you!
After 10 years and four kids never going to school, our families eventually stopped asking us when we were going to put those kids in school!
Some of it was genuine concern for the kids, most of it was that homeschooling is NOT the normal way of life for most people. It is such a radical idea that it scares some people,especially grandparents.In laws who don't homeschool feel like you think your kids are better than theirs..the list goes on and on of the offenses family take when you homeschool.
Once, my brother in law was trying to discourage us from continuing homeschooling the kids. He got so exasperated with our resolve to keep doing it that he finally blurted out "Well, how are they ever gonna learn how to ride a bus???"
If you feel this is what God is calling you to do, then keep your hand on the plow and keep going!

About the socialization thing, ask them this:
In the real world, how often are you totally surrounded by people your age...I mean literally....do you work with all 40 year olds? Do you attend church with all 25 year olds? Is your mechanic your age?
NO!!!
In real life, we have to deal with people of all ages. Homeschooled children have the great advantage of being able to talk with all people regardless of ages.

keep going!!
Ruth

[amyw33]

He got so exasperated with our resolve to keep doing it that he finally blurted out "Well, how are they ever gonna learn how to ride a bus???"


Ruth

HEE HEE HEE HEE!!! I love this one! We get this from people, and I live down the street from our elementary and middle school. My daughter would NOT be far enough from our public schools to ride a bus, not for the entire 12 years where we live now! So, I always wonder about the poor deprived PS kids who must walk and never learn to RIDE a bus!!!!

LOL!!!!